tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
