You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
