You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
