Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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