I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
