After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
