need another drink. this is the easiest way
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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