I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
