I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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