you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Watching her eat just hurts me
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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