My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
