My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
