I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
