A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So apparently I’m into choking now
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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