Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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