Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
