Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
