I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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