you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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