i wish my penis had a tongue
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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