he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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