I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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