I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
