This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
