you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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