she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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