I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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