my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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