He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
