I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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