We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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