how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
