I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
