birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
