I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
