Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
