Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i black out too much to be "responsible"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
