Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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