just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
