im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
