Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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