I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
