She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The air taste purple.
Randomize
