Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize
