I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
