I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
