so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
