3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
