The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
