I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
