I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think I sprained my soul last night
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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