When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
