so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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